Photography ... astronomy ... art ... design ... technology
(... and the odd rant)

All of these make my world go 'round, to some extent, and they will all be found here at some time or other. Some of the photography can be purchased from my Redbubble site. I can also be found at Tempus Fugit (no longer being updated).

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wedding Vows

"Do you take this man...? Honour... obey... Till death..."

All that palaver: promises of lifelong commitment (pre-nups notwithstanding), joyous union, emotional mothers, sodden uncles and wayward children under the table, peering where children ought not to, and so forth. Time-honoured stuff. What if the parties involved are out of the ordinary? Special? Idiosyncratic? Idiotic? What might the vows sound like then? Here are some possibilities:

The Teenager

"Do you, Kevin, take Mandy--"
"Yeah, whatever. Chill, dude ... We done now? *hey bro you cool for a wave? c u l8r kev?*"

The Pessimist

"Do you, Reginald, take Gladys..."
"Yes, but what's the point? It won't do me any good, will it? Besides, it'll all end in tears. Or divorce. Or bankruptcy."

The Mechanic

"Will you, Mick, take this woman--"
"Yeah, no problem. I can take a look next Thursday, but won't know for sure until I've checked underneath. Judging by the bodywork, there's a few miles on the clock, and clutch parts can be difficult to get hold of with these older models. Could be expensive, too, if the rack needs work. Might need to get me mate Barry to take a look; he's worked on these before... sort of hobby of his, like."

The Lawyer

"Do you, Justin,  subject to the provisions set out in Annexe 'A', and without prejudice to your rights at law, take this person, known hereinafter as Felicity; and all of her goods and chattels as agreed heretofore in the Memorandum of Understanding set out in Annexe 'B'; acknowledging an attachment deemed to be of mutual benefit and with equal share of risk to be borne jointly and severally, but without burden of responsibility on either part towards the parties to be known henceforth as "The In-Laws"; wherein this ceremony represents, whole and comprehensively, a binding agreement not to be rent asunder except as provided for in Annexe 'C', under the powers granted by the Secretary of State for-- [etc, etc, and so forth, blah, blah, gasp, wheeze, yawn, shuffle...]

The Scientist

"Abstract: This experiment is intended to demonstrate the long-term miscibility and covalent bonding stability - expected to be in excess of 25 years at 20 degrees Celsius - of 2 unique and volatile organic reagents, in the presence of a varying admixture of organic and inorganic contaminants, catalysts, coagulants, heavy metals etc.; such agents being introduced to the mixture at random intervals throughout the experiment. The presence and action of a variety of alcohols is an utterly unknown factor, the effect of which will be closely monitored, and which may prove pivotal to the outcome of the experiment as a whole."

The Art Critic

"This is a collaborative work that brings a beautiful dichotomy into sharp focus, while casting a murky veil over the consciousness of personal identity and ambition. It references duplicity-as-singularity - a veneer of cooperation in the public eye - while alluding to stark contradiction in its purest form. Ultimately, we are left with the burning and very contemporary question 'Is this a good idea?'"

The Wine Buff

"This is a blend - an audacious one, if I may say so - of widely-differing characters in an attempt to produce something that is at once both volatile (almost shockingly so), and deeply soothing; something with a certain je ne sais quoi, or perhaps je n'ai pas la moindre idée. The liaison between a bright, cheerful component with a light body and long finish, and a heavy - almost thickset - tart and astringent one that ends all too soon, is bound to surprise at first, but time will tell. Probably best laid down for several days, somewhere dark and quiet. Left for too long though, the delicate (and, let's face it, rarely perfected) balance of Magnolia blossom notes with somewhat brusque tobacco overtones and a whiff of ripe Adriatic seaweed could be a disaster in the making."

No comments: